This came to me out of nowhere as I was driving my boy to school. It wasn’t a good memory. Here it is.
Before I went to Melbourne in 2007, I had a small number of very close friends, Jane was one of them. Unknown to her, her support helped me through my PhD, when I fell out with a colleague in my group. She listened, asked questions and was a brilliant sounding board. I used to buy a bottle of red, 10 cigarettes and wander up to her flat on a Thursday evening…
When we went to Melbourne, I really missed her – she was my only friend who came to visit us.
When I got back to Glasgow after my TBI I can see now that I was holding onto the past. I wanted my lifestyle and relationships to be the same as when I left. Which of course is impossible. With Jane, there were changes on both sides. I was recovering from my head injury and she was diagnosed with heart failure which eventually ended her life in 2019. Devastation.
Jane was born and brought up in Glasgow. Her Mum from what I heard, was a strong, independent lady. In 2013 Jane texted me to say her Mum had died. This was very sad and Jane had spent each evening after work looking after her as she wasn’t able to live on her own anymore.
A few weeks later, Jane came to visit. We talked non stop for a good half an hour and then she said to me “so you’re not going to talk to me about my Mum then? That feels sad. It’s making me angry.” She’s right, it had slipped my mind. Emotionally I fell apart as I couldn’t believe it hadn’t been at the front of my mind. Before my TBI there’s no way that would have happened. I pride myself on being a good friend. Being someone who asks my friends how they are, how they’re dealing with life. I used to be a good friend.
Since then I have trained myself to stop and think. Think about whether the friend I’m about to catch up with is feeling alright. Think about whether anything major – good or bad – has happened in their life.
I still feel terrible guilt for that time in 2013, where I failed to be the friend I thought I was.
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