This is depression

I think I have learned in the last month what depression actually is.

In the past I've talked about "being depressed". This varied from feeling a bit down for a couple of days or it extending to several weeks. Of my normal (I hate that word so much) being below neutral. A low ebb I suppose.

After I had my box of paracetamol thought in new year, it was very different.

My head was blank.

I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad.

I felt nothing.

I didn't want to do anything and I certainly didn't want to see anybody. Even my good friends.

For two weeks I didn't do the school run, my husband had to do it. I didn't even feel guilty that he had to disrupt his work to go and pick our boy up.

I have absolutely no idea what I did in my days, but I kept very different hours to usual. I stayed up really late and read books in bed.

I got out of bed really late.

I sat in front of my laptop.

I didn't do anything constructive.

I didn't look for jobs.

I didn't post on here, not truthfully anyway.

I didn't see my friends.

I lay low with my son and my husband.

I watched shitty telly, Gordon Ramseys Kitchen Nightmares and Masterchef repeats.

I surpringly slept well.

I stayed in the house.I got sugary and fatty foods delivered.

I will say that things have got slowly better. I do the morning school run now. The blankness has changed to a vague neutral. My daily hours have changed back to normal - especially now I'm getting up for breakfast and the morning school run!

I've realised now though that that was actual depression. I'm now redefining that word.